Check yourself.

It's important to look in the mirror and evaluate what you see on a regular basis.  Are you proud of who you are?  Are your actions in line with the principles you say are important to you?  Are you living an honest and admirable life?

Look at your relationships with others.  Do you consider others with the choices you make, or are you only concerned with satisfying your own needs and wants?  Are you taking more than you are giving?  Do you feel regret when you treat others badly, or do you make excuse after excuse for your behavior? 

Look at the way you manage your home.  Is the appearance of your home a positive reflection of you?  Do you fill your home with so many things that they cannot be valued or treated with respect?  Are you responsible with your money?

Look at what is really important to you, not just what you say is important, what you show is important.  Someone should be able to look at your life and KNOW what those things are.  We all need to check ourselves sometimes.  If you aren't satisfied with the life you are living, if you aren't living up to the potential inside you...do something about it.  Change.  You can do better.

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of the worst terrorist attack this country has ever experienced.  It's hard to know what to say about it.  The way I experienced that day was not the way many other unfortunate people experienced that day.  The way my 20 year old self felt the safety of my world crumbling beneath my feet was not the way the victims of the attack felt their world crumbling beneath their feet.   I don't feel I can adequately relate to the loss felt by the families of the victims and by the survivors themselves.  All I can do I look inside my heart and try to imagine what life has been like for those people the last 10 years.  It's painful to think of the mothers and fathers who lost their children, the children who lost their parents.  Brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, husbands and wives all had to find a way to go on with their lives.  Too many people died too soon.  They didn't get to say goodbye, tell their families they loved them, or tell a friend they were sorry.  They didn't find their true love just yet, get the chance to have a baby, adopt a baby, run a marathon or even see another beautiful sunset.  Those things were stolen from them.  And while I know that the human spirit is resilient, and that through this loss the survivors and the victims families have found some peace and restored the beauty in their lives...I ache for all their missed opportunities and stolen moments.  Even as I write this, there are people still crying, praying, asking why and grieving.  It breaks my heart.   

My hope is that we did learn something in the midst of that tragedy.  Ten years later, I hope our hearts have opened a little wider for our fellow Americans, that our gratitude for service members has grown deeper,  and that we appreciate our loved ones more.   The human spirit is resilient.  Beauty can be found again.  Life does go on.  And the lives that were lost will not be forgotten.  They are taken along with every other life they touched.  They live on and are reborn again and again through generations to come. 

Thank you to all the fallen heroes who died September 11, 2001.  Thank you to those that have died since.  Thank you to those who have fought or are still fighting the war on terror.

Simple Gifts

1.  Watching Braxton eat hummus.

2.  A new school year.

Shout out to Jeremy's vintage Lone Ranger lunchbox 

3.  First ever pair of moccasins.  Life=complete.

Normal people love shoes this much, right?

 Have a fabulous weekend. 

Confession

Monday night Braxton reached a milestone in his life.  We transferred him from his crib to a toddler bed.  It was a transition that had been looming over my head like a black cloud.  Cribs are so convenient, so safe and most importantly, so cage-like.  Seriously.  It's the only thing I have to contain my little wild-man.  Correction...had.  I probably could have stretched his crib stay out a few more months.  He had only jumped ship twice after all.  But, with two growing boys in one room, I was anxious to free up some floor space by putting the toddler bed under the top bunk, where a twin mattress will eventually go.

He did surprisingly well.  I put him in bed a little after 8:00pm.  After some cuddle time and hair stroking I slipped quietly out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar and waited for the inevitable escape.  And escape he did.  I put him back in bed and left again, this time closing the door.  Poor fellow hasn't mastered the art of doorknob turning.  And that was it.  No more crying, he just got back in bed and fell asleep.  Jeremy and I didn't dare say a word about how easy it was until at least 9:45pm, when we felt safe not to jinx it.

Then 12:30am rolled around.  And here is the confession part.  When I heard the sound of Braxton's squishy little rectangular feet toddling down the hallway towards my room, I felt happy.  When I saw my sleepy, confused little guy reach up for me from the side of the bed, I felt relieved.  My baby still needs me to feel like everything is okay.  We snuggled quietly, both content to be together.  I eventually put him back in bed.  He cried, escaped and woke up Daddy.  So that was the end of that nonsense.


As mothers, the longing to be near our children never goes away.  In the beginning, that longing is reciprocated.  Our babies want to be by our side all the time at first.  Then they slowly become more independent, wanting to do things by themselves.  They develop a need for companionship with other humans besides their mothers.  They tolerate us lingering around for awhile, from a distance, but everyday our children take tiny steps away from us, gaining the confidence and wisdom to be their own person.  They soon long for another kind of companion, someone to love and be loved by, someone to create their own family with.  They no longer truly need their mothers to feel like everything is okay.  But we are always here.  Still longing to be near them, still hoping to be longed for.      

I like to think it's like that with all animals.  The mama lioness lounges contently watching her lion cubs play.  She is happiest when they are nearby.  She can smell them and hear the noises they make as they explore the world, safe under her watchful eye.  The difference is, animal mothers are better at letting go than human mothers.  That said, I don't believe I'm overly sentimental when it comes to my kids growing up.  I really enjoy each stage they enter and welcome the milestones they reach.  It makes me more proud than anything to watch them become more of themselves, and less of me.  But I confess, there is always that desire.  The longing to be close, to feel their presence and hear the soft pitter patter of them coming towards me late at night.

Rockabye my baby now,

Rockabye my love.

Rockabye my baby now,

Rockabye my love.

Here's a little lullaby,

Here's a little song.

Here's a little lullaby,

Tell you nothings wrong.

What you gonna take when you walk from me?

What you gonna make of your world to be?

What you gonna sing with your harmony? 

Learn to be yourself and you'll always be

Free.

-Renee & Jeremy "Free"

Playing with boys, water and light