Yesterday was Jeremy's birthday. 32. We went to dinner together, then had cake with Jeremy's parents, sister and the fab five (Averi, Trevor, Kaden, Capri and Braxton).
Jeremy and I got to talking about how we both get discouraged in our jobs. I was telling him how I sometimes second guess my parenting. And sometimes I feel like I flat out suck at it. Too many times I get frustrated instead of keeping calm and then feel guilty after. I know I can't walk around like Suzie Sunshine all day, but there is definitely room for improvement. Less criticizing, more gently guiding in the right direction. Jeremy assured me that Kaden would not grow up to be a drug addict or mass murderer, and even if he did it wouldn't be my fault. He said kids are who they are, and will be that person, regardless of how many mistakes we make as parents as long as we are making the effort.
For instance, Kaden is very sensitive. When he was born he cried for 4 months straight. Loud sounds made him cry (remember when you sneezed Dad?). A wet diaper made him cry. Being hungry naturally made him cry, but being full also made him cry. He somewhat grew out of that stage, but is still very emotional. He cries when you tell him to clean his room, take a shower, get out of the shower once he's done, you name it and he's got fresh tears bubbling at the surface ready to go when things don't go his way. Did I make him this way? Is it my fault? Am I making it worse? No, I think this is just they way he is. But it's so hard not to blame myself for his reactions to things. Maybe I'm too hard on him, I expect too much, I'm not patient enough with him, maybe, maybe, maybe. Yeeeeaah.
Then Jeremy starts telling me that he goes through the same thing at his work. He said on that very day, his birthday, he went and sat in the bathroom at 9 am and thought about how he already knew it was gonna be a long, shitty day. But then he came to the realization that we all make a choice what direction our day and, ultimately, our life goes in. And we CHOOSE to be happy or unhappy. Nobody is gonna come along and make your life perfect. No job is gonna be so amazing that you never have low points. Then it clicked. Not even our parents can give us happiness, it has to come from inside. Kaden is going to make choices and find his path. He is going to choose to be a happy person or an unhappy person. He may turn out to be a murderer or drug addict, he may even blame me if he does, but the truth is it really doesn't have too much to do with me. All I can do is my best. All I can do is be a good example for him and choose happiness everyday.
So, while I am still very thankful for the way Jeremy and I grew up, I do believe that there is no secret recipe for raising a happy child. Every child is different. From the moment they leave their mother's bodies they are becoming more and more themselves and sailing further and further away from our influence. Some may think that this is sad thing. But I'm going to choose to take it for what it is, a beautiful process that I am truly blessed to witness.
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